


Dear Mulder

by babyphilewriter



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Letters, Post-Season/Series 09, Season/Series 09, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 17:50:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10443594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyphilewriter/pseuds/babyphilewriter
Summary: Scully writes a letter to Mulder during a moment of weakness





	

_Dear Mulder,_

_Nine years ago, I walked into the basement office of the FBI and you destroyed my life. Well, I wish you had just destroyed it, things would’ve been so much easier if that was the case. But instead you gave me a new life, an incredible and meaningful life, but in the process, you ruined my old one. In this new life I lost my father, my sister and my friends and I lost a chance at a family of my own, a home, and normalcy. But you made me believe that it was worth it. You made me believe that what we were doing was important and was worth all the sacrifices. That the truth we were searching for would be a worthy trade-off for all the lives, including ours, that were lost in the process._

_Not only did you make me believe in the search but you also made me enjoy the search as well. You made me love trying to prove your crazy theories wrong. You made me love traipsing all over the country trying to solve the unsolvable. You made me love long flights and car rides. You made me love tiny towns full of quirky people and crappy motel rooms. You made me love fighting against everyone who thought we were insane and wrong._

_And if all that wasn’t enough, you made me love you. God, how you made me love you. The way you looked at me. The way you smiled. The way you flirted and teased. The way you chewed sunflower seeds. The way you smelled. The way you laughed. The way you believed so strongly, even when no one else did. The way you got so excited about every crazy case we were given. The way you would call me in the middle of the night for no good reason. The way you would show up at my house and stay for too long. The way we fought. The way we walked side by side with your hand on my back. The way we hugged. The way we sat in silence. The way we talked about everything and nothing. The way we kissed. The way we cuddled. The way we made love. The way we cried. The way we knew each other more than we could ever fully explain or understand. I loved you so much. I still love you._

_I know I was the one who told you to go. You didn’t want to leave but I made you. But god I wished you hadn’t listened to me. I wish you had fought me until I had to give up and let you win, even if I cried, or said I hated you, or shut you out. I just wish you hadn’t left. You gave me a life and you gave me a family. You gave me a son even though it was supposed to be impossible. I was ready to give up but you told me to believe in a miracle and I did. You gave me that miracle and another one as well, you came back after I thought I had really truly lost you forever. Why was I given these miracles, just to have them taken away?_

_You gave me everything and then you took it all away. You destroyed my life, gave me a new one, and then destroyed it again. In giving you and Will a chance at real lives, I have erased any chance of having a life of my own. But once again you are really the one to blame. You are the reason I was given Will and the reason I stayed and fell in love with you. I could have left you so many times but you made me believe. You made me believe that you needed me and that I needed you, and damn you, you were right. I do need you._

_I need you and I cannot wait any longer. Will gave me a reason to wait for you. I had to take care of him and would’ve done so even if you never came back. I would’ve done anything for him and I did. I gave him up. I cry about it every day and it kills me every day but I know that it is what I had to do and I know that you will understand. I guess he wasn’t meant to be my miracle after all, but someone else’s. That hurts me so much but it is the truth, and even if it’s not, it’s what I must believe to carry on._  
_So now he is gone and I am empty waiting for you._

_Maybe one day you will come back and you will find this note. It will break you, I know it will, but you will not do what I have done. You will keep on going because you have to find the truth, but me, I do not need the truth anymore. I do not need anything anymore but to be rid of this pain. I am sorry that I am not stronger and cannot wait any longer. I cannot wait to see if you will yet again build me a new life, because even if you could, I would always worry that you would destroy it once more._

_So, I am done. But just know, even though I blame you for so much, I also thank you. I thank you for the miracles, the adventures, the beliefs, and the love. I have had more amazing times with you then I ever could have imagined possible. Thank you for it all. I know that one day you will find the truth you have waited so long for. I wish I could be there with you when you do. But even though I cannot, I hope you know that it was an absolute privilege looking for it with you._

_Love,_  
_Scully_

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

She found it in the bottom of a box of birthday cards, get well soon cards, and wedding invitations as she was unpacking in their new bedroom. She had completely blocked it from her mind, but reading it made the memories of the night she had a written it all flood back. She had said goodbye to Will exactly a week earlier and was alone for the first night, having insisted her mother leave. Immediately she had opened a bottle of wine to ease the unbearable pain. The letter had been a result of downing the entire bottle of wine, the clock reading 3am, and of course having recently lost both her son and Mulder. But if she was being honest with herself, the thought of ending it all had been in her mind for the last week, and this was the final straw. Yet by the time she got to the end of writing the letter she had convinced herself out of it. She sealed the letter, placed it in the bottom of the box and vowed never to look at it again or ever think about ending her own life.

She had stayed true to that promise, up until now. Now that she held the letter in her hand and read it to herself, it all came back. It was too much, and so she quickly tore up the letter and threw it away with the rest of the day's trash. She left the bedroom and walked out into the bright light of the kitchen where Mulder was unboxing all of their brand-new dishes. She surprised him with a hug, letting her thoughts of the letter be replaced by the sight of Mulder’s hazel eyes and the feeling of his body wrapped around hers. She knew now that he was not to blame for any of it. She had willingly followed him for over the last decade and they had built a life together. And even if that life were to once again be destroyed, she knew that she would always be strong enough to continue on.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is so sad and depressing. It was just an idea that came to me and I decided to go with it. Hopefully the happy ending makes up for the large amount of angst.


End file.
